Oscars, Part Three

[sadlikeknives]

Natalie Portman looks much better in this dress than that thing she wore at the Golden Globes. It looks very...okay, it looks like something Helen would have worn in Troy, which makes sense, since the woman who played Helen was one of Natalie's lookalikes from Episode One, and this way Natalie can be all like, "I'm actually prettier than her! Nyeh!" It's really very low-cut, though.

Telly tells me that there was an article in the paper where she lives recently about one of the nominated documentary shorts. It's about a woman who went to like, Brazil or something to try and prevent the destruction of the rainforest. Me, "And she got shot, didn't she?"

"Yes. She was murdered."

"That's usually how it works."

Finding Neverland won something! Yay! And they cut to Johnny. The camera angle means I can see inside his mouth, and...is Pirates 2 shooting now? Because it looks like he's got the gold teeth back in. Oh, and Vanessa Paradis has a gap between her front teeth. It's really noticeable at this angle.

Telly and I were talking about it, and we think that it doesn't really matter what Johnny does next year, he'll get nominated, and he'll win. Because he sure as hell ain't gonna win tonight. Jamie Foxx already has that in the bag. (If there's one thing Hollywood loves more than kissing its own ass and kissing up to dead people, it's kissing up to recently dead people. Not to mention people of color. I'm a little...disenchanted.)

And now, finally, the Cavalcade of the Dead. With Yoyo Ma performing, as he does.

They decided to go with Sean Combs instead of P. Diddy. It's probably for the best. Now shut him the fuck up and BRING ON JOSH GROBAN, BITCHES!

Mmm, yes, that's what I'm talking about. His voice tugs on my ovaries or something. Beyonce, get off the stage. You're off-key, honey. And it's really obvious next to Josh. Seriously, he's taking her diva ass to school. "This is what it sounds like on-key and without fakey glory notes, bitch." *purrs* Sing at me, Josh.

Prince! Okay, I don't know what's supposed to be favored, but I want Josh to win...what do you mean, he's not the actual artist from the movie? Fine, then Minnie Driver or the The Motorcycle Diaries song. WOO! It won! And now he's singing it again. Dude. I approve of this as an alternative to thanking everyone you know. And he can actually sing, too. Nice.

Thank you, Sean, for defending Jude Law's honor. Now let's give Hillary Swank her Oscar and move on. Ooh, Catalina Sandino Moreno's really good in that movie. And she's lovely. Note to self: see movie.

Hillary Swank wins. What a surprise. "She's also the first female in Academy history to be nominated for playing a boxer." Why does this matter? And of course she makes the obligatory joke about forgetting to thank her husband last time 'round. I can't decide whether or not I like her dress.

WHOA! I just checked Yahoo! and apparently the BTK suspect has confessed! Holy cow!

Now let's get back to the shallowness, shall we?

Hee, she cut off the music Nazis. "Whoa, I haven't gotten to Clint yet." And then she badly mispronounced her Irish. I'm pretty sure that 'm' doesn't belong on the beginning of 'acushla.'

Here's the thing. I like everything about Gwyneth's look except her dress's color. I think it needs to be darker or something, less close to her skin tone. Otherwise, she looks fantastic. And I've heard good things about The Sea Inside, so I'm glad it won so we can cut to all the very hot Hispanic people in the audience.

Oh, they have a clock? They really have a speech clock that's not just the music starting? I didn't know that. Hee.

...and we're back. Hi, Charlize. Your dress is puffy and your boyfriend is hot, and Chris Rock managed to avoid the 'African' jokes. Good on you. Don Cheadle was fantastic and Johnny Depp was...well, Johnny Depp *narrowly avoids flinging self at TV screen*. Was Howard Hughes supposed to be Southern? I'm not up on my Hollywood history. But Leo sounds fake-Southern. And then Clint Eastwood.

But we all know who's going to win.

Seriously, if you'd told me this day would come back when I was watching his god-awful show on the WB, I would have laughed you out of the building.

*settles in for the long-ass acceptance speech* Mr. Cates, you better just turn that speech clock off and tell the orchestra to go take a bathroom break, 'cause he's gonna be up there a while. Aw, his daughter's so cute!

Oh, hee. "She was my first acting teacher. She'd say, 'Act like you got some sense.'" So sweet.