Love And Honor, Yes, But Not Obey

[sadlikeknives]

I have returned from a wedding at which the groom wore cowboy boots.

And black jeans.

And a shiny belt buckle as big as his head.

And the entire groom's party had matching black cowboy hats.

It was a thing of horror.

With that in mind, I present

Things I Will Not Do At My Wedding, Should Such An Event Ever Occur
1. There will be no unity candle.
2. There will be no cowboy boots, so long as I have any say in the matter.
3. There will be no jeans.
3a. The same applies to belt buckles and cowboy hats.
4. I will not allow any members of the wedding party to change into shorts and tank tops before the reception, if I have to hold my wedding in Vermont in December to prevent it.
5. I will make sure the church is large enough to seat all of my guests.
5a. I will make sure there is room in the reception hall to actually seat guests. Especially if I am having my wedding in Alabama during the summer, as it is damned hot to be dining al fresco.
6. I will not have more than three attendants. I don't care how many the groom has, but I will have no more than three.
7. Any singing at my wedding will be done by people on tape, because I know they can already sing it. Possibly, I'll just have a string quartet. But I'll make sure they can play first.
8. There will be no lace on my wedding dress. This is a matter of personal preference, though.
9. I will not have a train on my wedding dress. This is not a matter of personal preference, this is my studied observation that trains are just asking for trouble.
10. I will not stuff my bridesmaids into seafoam green prom dresses.
11. Any small children involved will be old enough to know what is going on and follow directions.
12. I will dispense with the office of ringbearer entirely, unless one of my first cousins has male offspring of the appropriate age (above five, below ten, I feel), in which case I won't be able to get out of it.
13. Guests will not be required to stand for any length of time besides how long it takes me to get down the aisle. Especially not for long-winded prayers about how the groom should provide for the bride. I will kick the officiant in the groin if anything like that gets started.

Things That Will Happen At My Wedding
1. Someone's going to be walking down the aisle to the Imperial March from Star Wars. I just haven't decided if it'll be me or my attendants yet.
2. There will be a stepladder involved in some fashion (long story).
3. The ceremony will be over in less than fifteen minutes.

Comments

Wedding Madness

[mzlizzy.livejournal.com]

I love hearing about bad weddings like this -- especially if they don't involved anyone I know personally as Bride and Groom.

As someone who had a big wedding (200 people) and makes wedding dresses I have a couple of comments --

You really only need one attendant -- so that there is someone next to you to hand you the ring, and to hold the flowers for you during the ring exchange.

If you want songs during the ceremony hire someone to sing, don't ask a friend unless they're a professional and will do it for you as a present -- and only have ONE song sung, not five! It's a wedding, not a concert.

Lace *can* look good or bad depending on the quality. Better a higher quality dress with no lace than a dress covered with lace that would be better used decorating the cake table.

Trains look great when you're walking down the isle, but are a pain to put up with at the reception. If a friend insists on having a train see if it can be done as something detachable. Many dresses 'bustle' the train up, but that just means you're hauling all that fabric on your hips instead of dragging it on the floor.

My idea of a perfect length for the ceremony is 20 to 30 minutes. That way people who show up a few minutes late can still see some of it. (And someone will show up late!)

Oh, and I recommend the Imperial March for the recessional -- it's a great way to let people know it's time to party!

Re: Wedding Madness

[vampychick.livejournal.com]

On the lace thing, I really just prefer very simple gowns. Like, my prom dress was plain black, and when I temporarily lost my mind and entered a beauty pageant, my dress was the simplest there (and buttercup yellow, but that's beside the point). I know some lace can look good, but it's just not for me.

And I've been to two weddings in two weeks where the bride had to go up and down stairs during the ceremony (see also: no unity candle) and wound up tangled in their trains. Of course, if I find the dress of my dreams and it has a train or lace, either of these is subject to change.

Re: Wedding Madness

[vampychick.livejournal.com]

Oh, and there were seven attendants on either side at this wedding. Plus a ring bearer and two flower girls. It would have been eight, but my cousin in Kentucky is in the hospital, so his children (junior bridesmaid #2 and groomsman #8) couldn't make it. That's just. Too. Many.

My family's huge and clannish, and I'm afraid I could never get away with just one, but if I say 'this far and no further' and enforce it, I can keep it from running away with me.

[kopernik.livejournal.com]

Classic. And a good time was had by all.

[vampychick.livejournal.com]

Yep. And they're married now, so yay for that.

[willothewisps.livejournal.com]

11. Any small children involved will be old enough to know what is going on and follow directions.

I like that rule. Have you noticed that flower girls just keep getting younger and younger? Soon they're going to be pushing them up the aisle in strollers.

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

The wedding that I was in last summer had the bride's two year old niece as the flower girl, and she was clearly too young for it. The thing that made it okay, though, was that the bride totally knew that, and just wanted her there because she adored her niece, and was like "I don't care if she does what she's supposed to do." So she walked up the aisle with her mom (the matron of honor), and then spent most of the ceremony in the back with her dad.