Craaaaaack
Feb. 5th, 2007 12:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sadlikeknivesSo, instead of the assignment that was due fifteen minutes ago (haaaaaate group work), I present to you a Five Things, partly written during Russian class today. I make no claims to anything like IC-ness on the part of Nick Fury.
Five Ways Skank Zero Hopeless-Savage Drove Nick Fury To Drink
1. “Who is this?” Fury managed after a moment staring at the green-haired whirlwind pestering Captain America for his autograph.
“That’s my girlfriend,” the Parker kid said cheerfully.
“Your girlfriend,” he gritted out, “does not have security clearance to be in the Triskelion.”
“Yeah, try telling her that.”
“Is that him?” the girl demanded, and suddenly Parker was restraining an armful of pissed-off punk teenager who jabbed one finger in his face as she told him, “Listen, you, you’ve been squallin’ with my boyfriend for long enough, an’ if you hurt him one more time so help me Vice-Principal Hades I will make you pay.”
“And how do you plan to do that?” he asked her mildly, less than impressed. She didn’t look that scary, after all.
Her eyes glittered. “I know people.”
And he remembered the files that had crossed his desk about Parker’s high school, and he went to investigate his office’s bar.
2. “You do realize,” he began, “your secret identity is going to stand up for all of five seconds.”
“I don’t see why,” an orange-haired girl in a DIY shirt said innocently as she checked to make sure her domino mask was firmly stuck to her face. “You’re sure this won’t rip off my eyebrows?” she asked her boyfriend.
“Considering that you’re the only person I’ve ever heard use the word, I think people will catch on to who ‘Swerval Girl’ is.”
“I told her that,” Parker said. “But I was told ‘Mallet Girl’ lacks panache.”
“And oomph.”
“And that.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and prayed for patience. “Couldn’t you just be a mild-mannered film student? Wait. Scratch that. You’ve never been mild-mannered.”
“Hooskspider. Focus. Eyebrows?”
“Your eyebrows should be fine.”
“‘Should be’?”
“There have been a few tragic accidents, I won’t lie to you. But generally speaking, eyebrows are left intact.”
Zero looked suspicious, but willing to trust him.
“You don’t even have superpowers.”
“Neither does Captain America.”
He thought about saying, “Captain America isn’t a ninety-pound girl,” but he’d seen her with that mallet, so he gave up and went to find scotch.
3. “What is that?” he asked, pointing to the pink ball of fur in Captain America’s hands.
“Parker’s fiancee.”
“Parker’s fiancee is a girl with blue hair.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a cat.”
“Yeah.”
“A pink cat.”
“I know that.”
“Mew,” said the kitten.
“How did this happen?”
“Really couldn’t tell you that,” Iron Man said.
“Does Parker know yet?”
“No.”
“Good. Let’s keep him from finding out.”
Two hours later, when the kitten had shredded every cushion in sight and Tony Stark’s arm before escaping to climb Peter Parker’s pants leg as he stepped off the elevator–he laughed and said, “Not again!”–Nick Fury was really regretting that decision. When Stark offered him a rocks glass of whisky, he took it wordlessly.
4. “No.”
“You don’t like it?” Zero inquired archly as she stood before him in her wedding gown.
“Have you finally lost what was left of your sanity?”
“It’s a Claude Shi original. See? Label says ‘Boot Couture.’”
“I don’t know who that is and what’s more, I don’t care. You cannot wear that dress to your wedding.”
There was nothing objectively wrong with the dress. It was a nice dress. It suited Zero’s...personality, while still being recognizably a wedding dress. The tulle skirt was artistically tattered, with a gather on one side to show off her legs. It was the white-on-white spiderweb embroidery on the bodice he objected to, especially when combined with her bright red hair and the electric blue fishnets on her legs.
“Well, I haven’t got another dress, and they’re going to think it’s a bit odd if I flounce out there in jeans, aren’t they?”
“You’ll give him away,” he tried. “And you’ve always been a bit odd.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. No one’s giving Peter away. My da’s giving me away, though, even though he thinks it’s a bit of traditionally chauvinistic nonsense.” She poked at her veil and said, “Where have my attendants gotten to? Parker’s got my flowers.”
He opened his mouth to protest again, or possibly to ask where Our Lady of Fandom kept their sacramental wine so he could get into it, but he was cut off by that spiky-haired kid serving as Parker’s best man burst in to announce that aliens were invading.
***
After the invasion, the weary SHIELD agents trooped back to the church, because there was still a wedding on today, and they kind of wanted to get off this island as quickly as possible.
The Tyler girl directed them to the dressing room, where the members of the wedding party who hadn’t gone off to fight aliens were sitting around playing Go Fish. The bride’s male relatives were using an alien invader who had been bound with lengths of ribbon from the bouquets for a bench. The flower boy and ring girl were entertaining themselves by stuffing rose petals into his ears, nose, and mouth.
“Peter,” Zero said mildly, “This is G’kar. He’s in charge of the invaders. He’s sorry about the mix-up, they really meant to invade next Tuesday, and anyway they had no idea Ted Altman was here. And if we let him go, he promises to go away and not come back, doesn’t he?” The alien nodded frantically, and Zero said, “Right then. Now.” She stood and adjusted her veil. “I believe we have a wedding to get to.”
5. “What do you mean, Parker’s wife has gone evil?”
“I mean she’s gone evil, sir. We have reason to believe she’s being mind-controlled.”
Fury pinched the bridge of his nose and told his lieutenant, “You don’t understand. She’s always been evil.” He dug the flask he’d taken to carrying since the Hopeless-Savage-Parkers’ joyful announcement out of his jacket. “It’s just that now she’s evil and pregnant.”
The lieutenant paled. "God help us all."
Fury grunted agreement and passed him the flask.
Five Ways Skank Zero Hopeless-Savage Drove Nick Fury To Drink
1. “Who is this?” Fury managed after a moment staring at the green-haired whirlwind pestering Captain America for his autograph.
“That’s my girlfriend,” the Parker kid said cheerfully.
“Your girlfriend,” he gritted out, “does not have security clearance to be in the Triskelion.”
“Yeah, try telling her that.”
“Is that him?” the girl demanded, and suddenly Parker was restraining an armful of pissed-off punk teenager who jabbed one finger in his face as she told him, “Listen, you, you’ve been squallin’ with my boyfriend for long enough, an’ if you hurt him one more time so help me Vice-Principal Hades I will make you pay.”
“And how do you plan to do that?” he asked her mildly, less than impressed. She didn’t look that scary, after all.
Her eyes glittered. “I know people.”
And he remembered the files that had crossed his desk about Parker’s high school, and he went to investigate his office’s bar.
2. “You do realize,” he began, “your secret identity is going to stand up for all of five seconds.”
“I don’t see why,” an orange-haired girl in a DIY shirt said innocently as she checked to make sure her domino mask was firmly stuck to her face. “You’re sure this won’t rip off my eyebrows?” she asked her boyfriend.
“Considering that you’re the only person I’ve ever heard use the word, I think people will catch on to who ‘Swerval Girl’ is.”
“I told her that,” Parker said. “But I was told ‘Mallet Girl’ lacks panache.”
“And oomph.”
“And that.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and prayed for patience. “Couldn’t you just be a mild-mannered film student? Wait. Scratch that. You’ve never been mild-mannered.”
“Hooskspider. Focus. Eyebrows?”
“Your eyebrows should be fine.”
“‘Should be’?”
“There have been a few tragic accidents, I won’t lie to you. But generally speaking, eyebrows are left intact.”
Zero looked suspicious, but willing to trust him.
“You don’t even have superpowers.”
“Neither does Captain America.”
He thought about saying, “Captain America isn’t a ninety-pound girl,” but he’d seen her with that mallet, so he gave up and went to find scotch.
3. “What is that?” he asked, pointing to the pink ball of fur in Captain America’s hands.
“Parker’s fiancee.”
“Parker’s fiancee is a girl with blue hair.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a cat.”
“Yeah.”
“A pink cat.”
“I know that.”
“Mew,” said the kitten.
“How did this happen?”
“Really couldn’t tell you that,” Iron Man said.
“Does Parker know yet?”
“No.”
“Good. Let’s keep him from finding out.”
Two hours later, when the kitten had shredded every cushion in sight and Tony Stark’s arm before escaping to climb Peter Parker’s pants leg as he stepped off the elevator–he laughed and said, “Not again!”–Nick Fury was really regretting that decision. When Stark offered him a rocks glass of whisky, he took it wordlessly.
4. “No.”
“You don’t like it?” Zero inquired archly as she stood before him in her wedding gown.
“Have you finally lost what was left of your sanity?”
“It’s a Claude Shi original. See? Label says ‘Boot Couture.’”
“I don’t know who that is and what’s more, I don’t care. You cannot wear that dress to your wedding.”
There was nothing objectively wrong with the dress. It was a nice dress. It suited Zero’s...personality, while still being recognizably a wedding dress. The tulle skirt was artistically tattered, with a gather on one side to show off her legs. It was the white-on-white spiderweb embroidery on the bodice he objected to, especially when combined with her bright red hair and the electric blue fishnets on her legs.
“Well, I haven’t got another dress, and they’re going to think it’s a bit odd if I flounce out there in jeans, aren’t they?”
“You’ll give him away,” he tried. “And you’ve always been a bit odd.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. No one’s giving Peter away. My da’s giving me away, though, even though he thinks it’s a bit of traditionally chauvinistic nonsense.” She poked at her veil and said, “Where have my attendants gotten to? Parker’s got my flowers.”
He opened his mouth to protest again, or possibly to ask where Our Lady of Fandom kept their sacramental wine so he could get into it, but he was cut off by that spiky-haired kid serving as Parker’s best man burst in to announce that aliens were invading.
***
After the invasion, the weary SHIELD agents trooped back to the church, because there was still a wedding on today, and they kind of wanted to get off this island as quickly as possible.
The Tyler girl directed them to the dressing room, where the members of the wedding party who hadn’t gone off to fight aliens were sitting around playing Go Fish. The bride’s male relatives were using an alien invader who had been bound with lengths of ribbon from the bouquets for a bench. The flower boy and ring girl were entertaining themselves by stuffing rose petals into his ears, nose, and mouth.
“Peter,” Zero said mildly, “This is G’kar. He’s in charge of the invaders. He’s sorry about the mix-up, they really meant to invade next Tuesday, and anyway they had no idea Ted Altman was here. And if we let him go, he promises to go away and not come back, doesn’t he?” The alien nodded frantically, and Zero said, “Right then. Now.” She stood and adjusted her veil. “I believe we have a wedding to get to.”
5. “What do you mean, Parker’s wife has gone evil?”
“I mean she’s gone evil, sir. We have reason to believe she’s being mind-controlled.”
Fury pinched the bridge of his nose and told his lieutenant, “You don’t understand. She’s always been evil.” He dug the flask he’d taken to carrying since the Hopeless-Savage-Parkers’ joyful announcement out of his jacket. “It’s just that now she’s evil and pregnant.”
The lieutenant paled. "God help us all."
Fury grunted agreement and passed him the flask.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 06:29 pm (UTC)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
HAHAHAHA. HA. HAHAHA. HA.
*ahem* That's pretty funny, yes.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 06:33 pm (UTC)6 that got left off: After what happened when Parker's damned girlfriend turned to Pietro, gestured to his sister, and asked, "So, you two are frakking, right?" everybody needed a drink.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 06:41 pm (UTC)For the record, I think Stark would actually break out laughing at that point. He still needed a drink, though, because he's Tony Stark.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 07:10 pm (UTC)Thank you...
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 09:18 pm (UTC)*deadski*
And really working.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 01:12 am (UTC)Yes. Work. V. important.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 10:37 pm (UTC)SOOoooooo awesome.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 01:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 02:59 am (UTC)I play her over at
no subject
Date: 2007-02-06 03:28 am (UTC)